Sunday, October 2, 2011

you should call me "gloomy girl"

Apparently more people in my life that I would like have told me that I am not being myself lately. That I have been having a negative attitude towards life and that I just seem "off". The truth is, yes, I have been a little off lately, and here is why.

Sometimes I forget everything that I have. I get myself into this little rut where all I want to do is eat junk food, lay in bed, and be alone. I have never been the kind of person who is dependent on others to make me happy. I am a hard worker, and independent and motivated to succeed. I guess the reason I have been down lately is that I miss people. I miss my mom, my dad, my boyfriend, and even my sister. I miss the company of someone who will simply give me a hug, and genuinely want to be around me.

I feel like as of late, like an outsider. I am a Christian, conservative, and modest. I don't drink very often, I never go to clubs, and I don't have a large social circle that requires me to be out and have fun 4 day party weekends. I would much rather go to the mall, the movies, or be on the computer playing games and making YouTube videos. I guess you could say that I am like a teenager still. But I don't see anything wrong with that.

I hear so often at church, from my favorite Christian music artists, and read in books that the lifestyle I want to live is so hard to do, because the world wants me to be something else. I think the most important thing that I have forgotten, is that God will NEVER put me through things that I can't handle. He wants to see me filled with joy, successful, and living my dreams. Same thing with my parents and my boyfriend. So why am I in such a slump?

When I was in college, 2 hours away from home, I started experiencing signs of depression and anxiety. I was then put on high doses of medicine which caused me to feel completely blank, emotionless, and also added to my struggle with weight. My junior year, I thought about committing suicide, and almost went through with it. I talked to my mom, and my doctor, and the best remedy was that I spend some time at home with my family for about a week, and take myself away from the stress of school and horrible friendships (or lack there of). I also stopped taking medicine. And ever since then, I have not taken anything for anxiety, bipolar disorder, or depression.

I often think that maybe I should be back on medications. Maybe not such a severe dose that makes me worse off than I am, but maybe just something small Or perhaps I just need a counselor? Someone to talk to when I am upset or sad...I just have this hard time getting off my butt and doing it. I literally think that I need someone to drag me. I also think that I need to use the very best resource and life manual that was ever written. The Bible. God's word. Its amazing how much stuff is in there. You can randomly open the book and God will show you the exact remedy that you need for any situation. For example, last night I opened it up and I landed on

Ephisians 6:11 "Put on God's whole armor [the armor of a heavy-armed soldier which God supplies], that you may be able successfully to stand up against [all] the strategies and the deceits of the devil."

Romans 12:21 "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Such good word. I love it. So basically, I need to use the power and strength that the love of God has given me, and be good because there is nothing that Satan can do to bring me down anymore.

So here it is.I am making a comeback! I am going to pick myself up, and become who God wants me to be- a strong, positive, example. With the help of my faith, and maybe going to see a specialist who will possibly put me on a small dose of medicine, I think I can make it through. It's okay to be sad, but I can't let it overcome me and rule my life. I want to be the person that people look at and say "wow! Who is she and how can I be like her?" I want to be a leader. I want to make a change. I want to make a difference. And I will.

xoxo gleamo girl