Monday, January 12, 2015

Blogging Challenge Day 11: Most Proud Moment

There are a few moments in my life that I can honestly say I am proud of. I graduated college on time, I have an apartment, I bought my own car, and I have a steady job. But there is nothing than I could be more proud of than "coming out".

Being a product of a conservative household, and growing up in the 90's "gay" was not something that was as "common" as it is now. Mostly when people think of gay back then they immediately associate it with AIDS or HIV. This is pretty sad.

When I was in High School (between 2001 and 2004), things were still not as easily accepted as they are now. USA society has come a LONG way in 10 years. I remember being stared at, having to sneak around at school, and feeling that "someone was watching me" when I had my first high school girlfriend. I remember being caught between the part of me that was the uber Christian girl who went to youth group and church and representing a faith that speaks out against homosexuality. I was basically living a lie to appease my parents.

This continued through my years in college, and I really struggled between what was believed to be "right and wrong". I had my share of boyfriends and girlfriends, but nothing too serious. Little did my parents know there was a struggle going on inside of me that I felt I could not tell them in fear of being "kicked out" or "not loved anymore". This was also a point in my life where my parents financed my life 100%. I had no way to live on my own without having their support.

Post college, I still dated guys. It seemed like what everyone wanted and expected me to do. I even came close to settling for a guy who made his job his priority and basically wanted me to follow in his footsteps. There was very little attraction there, but he seemed like the winner I thought my parents would love for me to marry.

It wasn't until we broke up in May of 2012 that I came to my senses. I had decided that I would be Ok to be a single lady forever, and not worry about finding "the one".

And then I met her. Actually it is kind of a funny story. I saw her at least once a week from a distance, and always wondered who she was. Instant attraction on my part. Little did I know that she thought I was the cute girl in the office, and teased about getting my number. Without giving away my occupation, I do have to give it credit, or else I never would have met Anna, the love of my life, who I will be marrying Oct 31, 2015.

We started dating in August of 2012, and it was a secret to my family. I claimed I had a new "friend" i was hanging out with, or I failed to even mention that she existed (which it totally wrong, and I am quite ashamed of it now) we moved in together February 2013. I never invited my parents over nor did I ask for help with moving. Still they knew nothing.

It wasn't until a day when I was with my mom and sister sitting at their kitchen table, when I lost it. I had to let it all out. I cried my eyes out and told my mom that I am gay and that I am with Anna and I love her. My sister remained silent and just looked at me. My mom told me "I knew". In that moment, I was hysterical, but I was so brave to let it all out. I was so proud of myself in that moment and I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.

It took a good year before I started to feel more and more comfortable talking to my parents about my relationship. I have continued to open up and express my feelings and talk more about my relationship, and how happy I am to be free of the lie I lived for so many years.

And I want everyone to know that I have a loving and supportive family. They never make me feel horrible for being myself and I can't thank them enough for that.

I am telling this story because I think it is important to let everyone know a little bit more about me on a personal level, and to show you why I am the way that I am. I love Anna with all of my heart, and I cannot wait to be her wife!


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